You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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