Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
