He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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