What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
