totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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