She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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