Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
