I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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