Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
