My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
