Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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