I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
