I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He passed out mid-signature
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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