i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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