i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
