I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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