So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
