You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
