I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
