she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
