you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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