Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
