I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
