I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
