I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
