Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
