I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
