As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
