remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
two words...techno handjob
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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