just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
