Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
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I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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