$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
