Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom