i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
