Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
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Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
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So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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