He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
