I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
