Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
