I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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