I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You may now shotgun with the bride
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
