My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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