I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
