He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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