She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
