he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
