I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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