Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
