I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
