i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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