I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
