when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
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i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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