You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize