Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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