Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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