Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
