I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
so much tequila, so little girl.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
