I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
