Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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