they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
