If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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