Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
