apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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