my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
