Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
