I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
