Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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