Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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