A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
