Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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