Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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